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2023-12-29 -- 10:03 p.m.

I have this weird obsession with dying. I looked it up and it's a real thing. More particular than just an OCD compulsion. And it does make me scared that there is a lot more wrong with my brain than I care to think about. When I was a child I would wake up scream crying that I was going to die in my sleep and I was also scared to fall asleep for fear I wouldn't wake up. It passed. And then I went through it again in my early 20s. And now it's been pretty persistent since I moved to Tennessee. But who would I be if I did anything more about my problems than just be hopeful they will pass on their own?

It is really hard for me to feel joy. I am always dreading something so I cannot ever be present in the moment. I honestly think I just need to reset my life. But then I rationalize how lucky I am and how idiotic it is that I can't enjoy this good life that I have. I mean if I didn't feel so much rage on a daily basis I would be scared I was a robot.

On Christmas my mom was telling my brother how hard it was for me to learn to read, how hard everything was for me. But look at me now. And I just thought yes how wonderful it was to go through school without a diagnosis for TWO clear learning disabilities. How kind and thoughtful of a parent to put one's own pride in front of maybe just admitting that their child has issues. But people do their best, times are different now.

I think about my dead dad a lot. Jason and I were talking about a potential year plan on a child. But we always talk like that when we are doing particularly well in our relationship. But I don't know. It's really interesting when you have this whole half of who you are and you can't even remember them. And especially when you are so different from all your family.

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I still think about you. I wonder how you are. I want to ask about you, but mostly what I want to ask about is if you ever ask about me. But I am a coward, just like you. And I assume you don't, because your ego is almost as large as mine.

No regrets, but I damn I was so hopeful for a different ending. You and me, same room, sharing a smile and a nod. There was this space in time where that existed and I guess it just still wasn't enough.

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