you and i we're the same
2013-10-12 -- 12:29 a.m.

i literally feel the better now than i have at any other point in my life. cutting out so much of the garbage from my diet has been mind blowing. i honestly believe i've been dehydrated since i left home and moved to college, who knew guzzling liters of diet coke a day could make someone feel so shitty. today i caved and drank a coke and ate a candy bar on my last break (literally the first break besides lunch i've taken at work this week). but these are very rare moments now and it feels so amazing. i eat better, work out, do pilates, and walk the dogs. it's a very rewarding feeling to feel so productive at an almost constant rate.

i still don't know what i want to be when i grow up. sometimes i think i've made all the wrong decisions. it bothers me much more than i allow it to seem. i'm just scared i'm going to wake up one and day feeling very old and unfulfilled.

but then i remember that even if i never find the right job that if i'm still thirty and struggling with what i want my life to be that somehow it will be okay. i will find some way to survive. now, do i want that? of course not. the idea is terrifying. but the possibility that this could happen is real and i have enough sense and faith in myself to know that i can still feel fulfilled and accomplished regardless of what i do for a living.

jason moving to france has been harder than i expected. long distance relationships are insane. but when you build an entire relationship on conversation it is easy to pick back up when it becomes the only option. i feel like we are getting to know one another all over again. in a way i'm falling back in love with an older, wiser, and to my surprise much more intelligent version of the boy who won my affection all those years ago. today i went and applied for my passport. the idea of me being in france right after christmas is becoming a very real feeling. there's this huge chunk of me that hates the idea of going in way, because i feel like i will be coat-telling his adventure. but then i think, oh hey when the fuck am i ever going to get to spend a month in france again rent free? and we're in our twenties and our responsibilities while seeming momentous are seriously extraordinarily minimum. i still have a job that will allow me to just be gone for a month. i get a month long break from school. my furbabies will be well taken care of even though i get teary eyed every time i think about leaving betty for a month. but there's no real reason not to go.

it is nice to have no hate in my heart and no real ill feelings. it is a feeling i hope everyone allows themselves one day.

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