Blah
2022-02-02 -- 7:35 p.m.

Things aren't that good. I feel really really sad more days than not. So sad that it is kind of hard for me to communicate right now or be around anyone. And when I am around people it honestly makes me mad if they are in a good mood, as in what do they have to be happy about? It grinds on my nerves so much.

I'm a psychopath- I know.

I also think I have seasonal depression or fuck maybe I'm just sad? Are people just allowed to be sad anymore? Or do we have to be diagnosed with something?

But not every day is bad. I'm not laying in bed crying myself to sleep. It's just that most days I have to force myself with every fiber of my being to be a human and not some monster.

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I do find a kind of solace in CrossFit (which I have been doing for almost 3 months) and most days I work out twice a day now. But this can also be a point of frustration for me too. Today I couldn't get a power snatch proficiently and my coach asked me to move down in weight. Often I am the only girl and almost always I am the smallest girl (which is fine but also intimidating). And anyway I didn't think that I needed to, but I listened. And I got teary eyed because it's embarrassing to me that every single new thing I do in life takes so fucking long for me to get. And I just stood there thinking about that which also frustrated me because that hour is supposed to be thoughtless for me. But then I ended up doing just fine and probably would have been fine with my original weight.

Seasons change. And moods do too.

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