complete.
2015-08-19 -- 11:27 a.m.

we're looking at houses to buy. it seems insane, but then i realize hey, i'm 25. jason's new job pays a lot and once he is out of training it will pay a lot more. i keep thinking, "we can't afford this" when he shows me something he is interested in and he always says, "yes, sue ellen now we can."

it's weird. i never grew up "poor" but i know my mom always lived paycheck to paycheck. it's just i never really knew that, because she always made me and my needs priority. i think about the hundreds of dollars she spent on acne medicine even though we didn't have medical insurance, because she didn't want me to have to grow up with scars on my face. i think about all the times she took me school shopping or took my friends and i to the movies or out to eat. all the gas money and groceries she gave me when i was going through college my first couple of years without having to work. and i overheard as she lent family and friends money regularly all the years i was home, often not ever seeing it again. often with little or no thanks.

i don't agree with my mom in a lot of ways and sometimes i envy the kind of relationship that other people have with their parents. but my mom always chose me. she never left me, never chose a man over me. it would have been easier on her to have had someone, someone to share responsibility with and to have some financial support. one time i saw the check stub from the check she got from the government every month after my dad died, $100 measly dollars a month. that's the only assistance she ever got. but i think she felt like she owed me, like it was her fault i didn't have father so she had to do everything to make it up to me. so, she gave up her life entirely for me.

jason's been weird about marriage and kids lately. earlier this month was really rough for us. there was a lot going on, both of us really stressed for different reasons. but we finally got it together. last night we were on the phone taking about houses and he said, "yeah, we really just need to do some research on school districts. i mean if we decide to have kids here we want to make sure they go to the right one."

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