Well this was kinda therapeutic, imagine that
2019-03-13 -- 9:46 p.m.

I used to be really confident when I was younger. Not just in my looks, but in my personality & intelligence too. I never needed to prove to people who I was, I just existed and people always told me that was intimidating.

It’s not that I’m not a confident person now. I am in many ways, but things change. I don’t weigh 100 pounds, I can’t buy my dresses out of the little girls’ section at old navy, I’m not in school making good grades, boys aren’t falling all over me, etc. But I know the way I look is fine. I’m not skinny anymore, but I can run a 5k comfortably. I’m not a sociology professor working on my PHD, but I have literally been running shit since I was 22 years old. I am funny and thoughtful, but that doesn’t mean everyone is going to like or care about me (even if I like or care about them). I adapt well and when there’s a crisis I know whether to hold a person’s hand or smack the shit out of them.

Sometimes I think about the times in my life when I was the happiest. And usually those times are marked around periods when I felt really confident and was so sure of myself. I think I lost a little bit of myself my mid twenties. I started watching so many people leave my life that I thought there was something wrong with me. So I clung to what I could and while was holding on so tightly I had to let a lot of other things go. Many of those things were parts of me.

I’m still here, I’m still me. This self aware girl who knows her shit, can call her own self out. But there are pieces of me I’m still trying to find, I’m not sure where they are all at yet. I’ve found a few, but there’s still a lot more to find.

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