Things
2021-02-28 -- 3:04 p.m.

I honestly thought it would be easy. It turns out- it was not.

Hearing someone tell you they are in love with you, that they've always loved you is a lot harder to digest then just reading the words on a screen.

We talked for four hours & both apologized for things we had and hadn't done. My hands shook when he first sat down and I had to actively remind myself to breathe. There were moments we both had tears in our eyes and moments we just sat in silence. But there were so many laughs and so many stories told. Both of us trying to fit in what we had time for.

I kept saying, "I don't know" but the truth is that I do. Neither of us are going to completely undo our lives and we ultimately know in our heart of hearts that it doesn't matter what the other has to say. The part of him that wants me to run to is overpowered by the part that's thankful I have the will to say no.

I was so proud of us though at our bravery to set down and tell the other how we truly feel. To be able to explain and apologize for all the hurt feelings. None of those remain anymore.

But my God it hurts and we still haven't completely said goodbye- we know it's coming but I just keep clinging to what I can.

We really did experience some amazing feelings together. We stumbled right into that. Our experience was a vista, through which we felt so much. What should really make us sad is that some people will never experience what we did in their lifetime. Be sad for those that will never know. Our experience can be a life secret that will make you smile on a rainy day or make a blue sky even sweeter. It’s the cream and sugar in your coffee.

I can be your punchline for a little bit longer. I can make you laugh for as long as I can tread water. I wish it could be friendship. God, I really do. But I really wish I was at the end of your fingertips, entwined with you in low light. But if a keyboard is between those fingers then that’s close enough.

There’s so much I don’t know, but there’s one thing I’m certain of... I’m going to turn around and crash right into you. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not even next year. I just know where you start is where I end.

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